Today I had a talk with my parents

Today I had a talk with my parents on an issue which they felt extremely bothersome, but which I felt was only very minor.

When I was younger, perhaps this kind of discussion would have easily degenerated into a quarrel and harsh words, but nowadays, it does not. I have learnt to focus on the broader picture and the intent behind their message, rather than on my personal disagreement with or my dislike of their message. Somehow I have also learnt to navigate their personalities and understand what they need to hear to diffuse the situation.

As I told a couple of my good friends, maybe I have become an appeaser over the years, avoiding conflict with people rather than confronting them head on. I have told my friends I do so for "expediency", something which perhaps they did not expect coming from me, having known me in my more rambunctious moments.

Then again, the word "appeaser" may be too harsh a term to describe me. I would say that over the years, I have learnt that in the long run, it is better to work with my parents than against them, because I know their intentions are good. To me, that is the most important consideration, not whether I personally agree or disagree with their stand. Perhaps others who want to get along better with their parents could take a leaf from this.

My dad has long since lost the desire to reason or think about issues constructively. He is only interested in expressing his stand and making sure others agree with his view. He has no intention or desire of looking at an issue from different angles, or considering other viewpoints. He has no idea, or rather, he has long since refused to acknowledge that a person can have good or noble intentions even though he disagrees with that person's actions or methods used. He has stopped thinking long ago. To me, that is intellectual suicide. All he is interested in is his own narrow and limited worldview, a barren psychological landscape littered only with his own scattered thoughts. And all he wants is for people to agree to live on that barren land and plant their seeds only in that fruitless soil which can never spring them to life.

But I know my dad loves me truly and wants the best for me. Only he does not realize that what he wants me to do is commit intellectual suicide, which for me would be worse than physical suicide. And so, just as those who break unjust laws are in fact displaying the highest regard for the laws, perhaps by disobeying my dad I will in fact be displaying the greatest love for him.

My mom articulates herself far better, but like my dad, she is also dogmatic and only keen on getting others to agree with her. It is little wonder my mom and dad have rarely gotten along well all these years, when each one believes that they alone are correct on all issues. To them, there is no such thing as a "middle ground". It is their way or the highway.

However, both of them can get along with me, not so much because they have had perfect success in persuading me to embrace their values and accept their stand in all areas of life, but because I have always kept the channels of communication open at all times, no matter whether I agreed or disagreed with them.

Today they went to sleep peacefully without much worry over the silly little issue, not so much because I had surrendered all intellectual honesty to them, but because they know that they can always reach me wherever and whenever they want to, and I will always return to their side and offer a listening ear to whatever they have to say.

That is what has kept us from flying apart and going at each other's throats -- just that simple reassurance that the links and communications channels will always be maintained no matter what happens.

Another way to diffuse a tense situation in the family is to try to find common ground between all parties.

Today I found some common ground with my mom because we eventually wound up talking about my previous two relationships, and she realized that I agreed with her that those relationships were not good for me, that it was better for me to break up. And I told her that today, were I in the same relationships as before, I would have heeded her advice to break up, whereas in the past I would never have heeded that advice or even bothered listening to her. I think that gave her some measure of confidence that I was on the same side with her on at least some important issues.