Old memories. Old poems. Old sentiments.

Personal Diary entry (from 2003):

Yesterday I re-visited an old internet home page that I constructed in 1998 and which I forgot all about since then.

Reading the old web site again brought back many fond memories. I found the writing and design to be a little simplistic and immature, but of course, that is probably to be expected given that so much time has passed. I also wrote quite a lot of bad poetry in the years 1991-1997; nevertheless I think those poems expressed my feelings somewhat and thus served their purpose.

But reading my old writings reminded me of the truths that I have always know, but have somehow neglected to think about over all these years. I found those truths comforting and reassuring.

Speaking of bad poetry I found yet another prime example of such in my old pen-and-paper diary. I penned this poem down, apparently on 7 Sept 1999, and I recall I did send it to someone. Gosh, what was I thinking?! I mean, how much worse can poetry get when it begins thusly: Dusk and day will pass me by, Aching heart have I to sigh ... I shall not continue. It is immature poetry and I probably embarrassed myself.

I think very negatively about the past 2 years on a daily basis. I have just thrown away all DL's photos and letters in a bid to erase the past from existence. I know it is a futile attempt, but the symbolism matters. Sometimes I visualize the past as a big drawing board and I can pick up an eraser anytime and erase it whenever I please. I feel like crying but somehow cannot.

Speaking of crying, there are some scenes in my favourite movies that always make tears well up in my eyes. One of them is in the Star Trek movie Generations starring Patrick Stewart (as Jean Luc Picard) and William Shatner (as James T. Kirk). There is this scene in which Picard explains to Counselor Dianna Troi about the loss of his nephew Rene --- about how his death in a fire means that now he can no longer go to school, or read books or listen to music or fall in love. Whenever I watch this scene I really wish there was someone watching it with me whom I could hug whose shoulder I could bury my face into. Maybe I can really identify with the movie, about this Temporal Nexus, which is an energy ribbon passing through the galaxy, in which time had no meaning and you could have whatever you wanted, in which, in Gyna's own words, joy was something you can wrap around yourself like a blanket. It's a kind of escapism. In the movie both Picard and Kirk were drawn into the Nexus but later realized that none of it was real.